Humble Negotiating

The text for lectionary preachers this week is a continuation of last week's discussion in Luke 14.  "For all who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted"  (Luke 14:11).  This seems to be an invitation to sign up for the "Doormat Brigade" and to allow the bullies of the world to walk all over us.

Surely this cannot be what Jesus intends!

In his book, Give and Take, Adam Grant may offer some behavioral insight into the text.  You may recall that Grant distinguishes between takers, matchers and givers.  He argues that in the long run givers come out ahead in every measure that matters in this life.  However, being a giver (one who "humbles oneself"?) can create real issues when that giver is trying, for example, to negotiate for a raise or a compensation package.

Does Jesus expect his disciples to always lose in business negotiations?

Givers might tend to give too much in such negotiations rather than seeking the best deal for themselves. This may be the case as well in negotiations about strategies, priorities, and any other conversation where the perspectives of others will be considered.  Grant writes of givers,

Because they value the perspectives and interests of others, givers are more inclined toward asking questions than offering answers, talking tentatively than boldly, admitting their weaknesses than displaying their strengths, and seeking advice than imposing their views on others. (Kindle Location 2214).

Can givers get what they need without becoming thoughtless takers or mercenary matchers?  Grant has several suggestions in this regard.  Givers can express a combination of vulnerability and competence. People find that combination naturally winsome.  Givers can use their listening and openness to great advantage in building long-lasting relationships.  When we speak provisionally of our ideas, we are less likely to intimidate our audience and more likely to engage them in real work and creativity. Givers tend to seek advice rather than to give it.  This encourages people to advocate for them.

All of this sounds a lot like genuine humility.  Grant's point is that humility works for the giver rather than against the giver.

But what about those situations where we really have to go toe to toe with takers and matchers to get what we need?  Here we find Grant's best advice.  When I am in such a situation, I struggle as an introvert and a giver.  So I must convince myself of one thing.  This negotiation is not for me.  It is for the benefit of people I love--my spouse, other family members, friends, clients, etc.  

I'm not very good at advocating for myself.  I don't really care for it.  But don't mess with the people I love.  If you do, you'll have a fight on your hands in seconds.  If I can remember that I am advocating for other people and not just for me, then I can do what is in all of our best interests.  When I adopt that perspective I experience two things.  First, I have much more backbone and much better boundaries in the conversation.  Second, I feel much less emotion because it is not about me.  I know how to advocate for others.  I have done it for years and it comes naturally.

Acting from a position of vulnerability, seeking the best interests of all involved, and advocating for those people important to me--do these sound like elements of the real humility Jesus advocates in Luke 14?  I think so.