Practice, Practice, Practice!

So we live in a culture where failures and flaws are airbrushed out of the pictures.  We learn over and over that failure is not an option and that flaws are unacceptable.  So we have moved from the culture of guilt (the one in which, for example, Martin Luther lived and wrote) to the culture of shame.  We are not concerned about doing bad things.  We are certain that we are just bad people.

What are some practical responses, especially as we shape and form our children and grandchildren? We can rehearse with them.  Mental rehearsals can fire the same brain areas as the real actions.  So let's help our young people rehearse their responses to failure and flaws.

I'm not suggesting that we rehearse failing.  Life will create those opportunities.  We don't need to seek them out.  In fact, mental practice of success is a wonderful tool for preparing to succeed.  That's true in sports, in the arts, in relationships, and in the sciences.  But how will we help our young people through those times when it doesn't quite work out?  We can rehearse their responses.

We all have these conversations with young people.  "I'm afraid that I'm going to screw up big time and look like an idiot," they tell us.  Young folks probably use different language, but we prehistoric types get the point. First, we can help young people imagine what a successful speech or math test or free throw will look like.  They can practice that over and over in their minds as well as with their bodies.

Then we can think about what will happen if they miss the mark.  And we can help them shape that imagination in a realistic way.  Will the world really end if you fail?  Probably not.  Imagine going to school the next day.  Some people may make fun of you.  Others will give you credit for trying.  Your real friends will support you.  And life as you know it will continue.  So practice smiling along with the teasing.  Practice saying thank you to the people who give you credit for trying.  Practice relying on the friends who will support you.  And then practice moving on to the next challenge or opportunity in your life.  

Imagine it several times.  Things will get better.

This is re-tooling of our self-talk after a mistake.  We perfectionists go into a real internal tailspin after any mistake.  The shame and embarrassment are massive and debilitating.  We want to hide or to fix it or to pretend that nothing happened.  We prevaricate or procrastinate.  And all the while we tell ourselves how terrible we are.  Practicing a different kind of self-talk is the way out of that personal hole.

If failure is unthinkable, then we have no permission to rehearse our responses.  If we don't practice this stuff in our heads, then when it happens for real we will be defenseless.

Worse yet, we will abandon our young people to the pain of rumination.  Rumination is mental rehearsal after the fact.  It is the cascade of regrets over what I could have, would have, should have done in the situation.  Rumination can become a negative feedback loop, plunging a person into deeper and deeper cycles of self-recrimination.  And that process then sets us up for further shame when we fail the next time.  We say to ourselves, "See, I told you that you are really useless, worthless and incompetent!"

We can give young people permission to be imperfect.  That's a large cultural task that begins at home. But then we need to equip them with the tools of resilience in the face of failures and flaws.  Mental rehearsal is one of the best of those tools.

How can we get to the place where failure is tolerable rather than fatal, an opportunity rather than an obstacle?  Practice, practice, practice!