The Power of Doggie Disengagement

Our Viszla dog, Bella, loves to play fetch up and down the main hall of our house. S(he also has, on occasion, chewed up her own bed--as you can see--but that's another story). We toss her plastic ball down the hall. She streaks to fetch and is back almost before we have recovered from the toss. She is an amazing athlete.

Bella loves one thing more than fetch. She prefers tug of war whenever she can engineer the opportunity. She brings the ball back and entices us into grabbing it. Then she pulls and shakes until she nearly dislocates our shoulders. Bella has massive muscles relative to her size. It's easy to imagine her snapping the neck of a rabbit with one shake.

Tug of war may be fun for her, but it's no picnic for us. And no matter how we train, she is reluctant to drop the ball for another fetch. It runs counter to her instincts. The one way that works is for the thrower to begin to turn away from her. Rather than lose her tossing partner, she drops the ball and waits for a throw.

Here's an illustration of a basic principle. In a competitive relationship, any response is a reward. That's especially true in difficult conversations. When we grab the ball and try to wrestle it away from Bella, she tugs even harder. And for her, that's part of the fun. A response is a reward.

So here is the power of disengagement. When we can let go of an argument, the other person loses a source of power. Any response is a reward. When we can disengage, turn away, even for a moment--then the tug of war will lose its momentum. We don't have to permanently surrender. That's a different tactic. But we can refuse to grab the ball and pull.

Disengagement is a key to halting the downward spiral of any difficult conversation. Can I let go of an issue long enough so that the other person will drop the ball as well? Knowing about this dynamic will help us to let go.

But if that's too challenging, there's always the small bladder tactic. No one is really going to argue if you ask for a time out to relieve yourself. And even that small break in the conversation can be enough for both parties to let go of the argumentative rubber ball.

Even though her instinct is to hang on for all she's worth, Bella experiences far more fun when she puts the ball down. Then we are more likely to toss it again and again. And that's really her goal in this interaction. Part of our job is to help her overcome her instincts in favor of her happiness.

That's really the needed strategy in any difficult conversation.