Grief and Instant Intimacy

The framework of "quick-set intimacy" as proposed by the brothers Brafman (Click: The Magic of Instant Connections) is a helpful one in understanding the nature of bereavement ministry.  Perhaps it's not hard to understand the affection the bereaved my feel for a long-time minister, rabbi, imam, etc., in the context of a household death and the aftermath.  That loss takes place in the framework of a supportive friendship that may have years or even decades of history.

The mystery for me often has been the moment when I have ministered to strangers or new acquaintances in times of loss.  How can I go from interloper to beloved friend in a matter, sometimes, of seconds at the bedside of the dying?  It has been an awesome privilege and a profound mystery of the heart.

I've had that experience in hospital chaplaincy situations, in interim assignments and when I have been brand-new to a parish.  I experienced "quick-set intimacy" with the interim pastor in my home parish when my dad died.  I had never met her before.  I don't even remember her name now.  Nonetheless, I remember her with gratitude and deep affection because of her ministry to us.  I have experienced the same thing with children and grandchildren of the dying and dead--often people I've never met before.

How does this happen?  How is it that this complete stranger of a pastor or chaplain is taken in to the inner emotional circle of the family in a matter, sometimes, of seconds?  I remember three decades ago in my Clinical Pastoral Education how this happened.  

A family from hundreds of miles away lost the momma to a sudden, unexpected and devastating heart attack.  I was there when she died.  We spent all that night until the next dawn praying, drinking coffee, eating stale doughnuts and talking about that wonderful woman whom I'd only "met" as the attending physician and staff were performing desperate CPR.  When they left, the oldest daughter kissed me on the cheek in gratitude.  I never saw them again, but I think about them every time I make a hospital call.

Here are the elements of "quick-set intimacy" (as listed in Click on page 32)--vulnerability, proximity, resonance, similarity and a safe place.  A chaplain or pastor is present at the moment of ultimate human vulnerability--our helplessness in the face of death.  And the chaplain or pastor is just as vulnerable as everyone else.  I've haven't raised anyone off a gurney in an ICU yet, no matter how much I have wanted at times to do just that.  I know that shared vulnerability creates an instant and deep bond.

We chaplains and pastors can spend hours and sometimes days with the family and friends.  We wait and watch and pray.  Often we're there at the moment of death.  We laugh with those who laugh.  We weep with those who weep.  We wait with those who wait.  We grieve with those who grieve.  This is the definition of proximity.

Spending that much time together in such intense circumstances builds irresistible resonance.  Only an emotional lump of stone could stand outside of such a process and not be formed by that process.  I know that I have taken on the rhythms of speech and become familiar with both the stories and habits of bereaved families.  Resonance leads to similarity.  Similarity becomes a tool of pastoral care.

Finally, it is our vocation to provide a safe place--a safe place to grieve and say goodbye.  More than that our Christian calling is to provide a safe place in the face of death.  We do really believe that nothing in all of Creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord--not even the stark wall of death.  It is our job to point out the bright door through that apparent wall and to bring words of hope.

Quick-set intimacy is the intimacy of hope.

Whether the brothers Brafman intend it or not, they provide a template for understanding the pastoral care dynamics of the death bed.  They help to explain how I can become such an intimate and beloved part of a family system that had never even heard my name an hour before.  As I think of it, one of the amusing elements sometimes has been that these intimate companions don't even know my name until hours after I first showed up.  "Pastor," "Chaplain," "Reverend"--these labels are more than enough to serve as a foundation for such quick-set intimacy.

I'll finish the book today, Omaha friends, and get it back to the library for those who want to check it out.