Help that Really Helps

What has really worked for me?  That is, what sort of help actually helps?  What can I do to impact the forty percent of my happiness range that is amenable to adjustment?  I have pursued a number of new behaviors, practices, thoughts and lines of study that have lead me into a new way of living.  I pursue these in a variety of ways and in different frequencies.  I find them all to be helpful in various ways.

Prayer and meditation: Brenda and I use daily devotions and written meditations morning and night.  We read aloud to one another and also have our own times of personal prayer and meditation.  At times of stress I use techniques of mindfulness meditation that I learned in the first weeks after Anne's death.

Helping others in similar circumstances: I learned this in recovery materials and conversations.  Few things make me feel better at low times than reaching out to someone else who might benefit from a conversation.  That's often another widower (amazing how many I know).  Sometimes it's someone who is bereaved in another way.  I don't have answers, but I can be of support.  And we both feel better when we're done talking.

Serving others with no thought of reciprocal benefit: working with Table Grace Cafe as a volunteer, serving at the First Lutheran Church food pantry, serving as a volunteer mediator and facilitator--these have all been important and continue to be important in my happiness project.

Gratitude practices:  gratitude lists, gratefulness prayers, gratitude letters, speaking gratitude to others, savoring the sweetness of the moment--these all make a difference and don't cost a thing.

Optimistic thinking practices: There will be more on this downstream.  But I have benefited a great deal from the "Learned Optimism" work of Martin Seligman and others of his ilk.

Twelve-step recovery meetings and literature:  I have found more help and support in AA literature and meetings than in any bereavement recovery materials (except for Melodie Beatty's The Grief Club, and she's completely wired into the recovery movement).  Bereavement is also a chronic condition of the will and the spirit.  The twelve steps are about living, not merely about not drinking.

Exercising choice over how I feel: This is an epiphany for many of us at some point.  I can decide, most of the time, how I feel.  I can decide, all of the time, what to do with my feelings.  Happiness, as they say, is an inside job.

Using my signature strengths as part of the process: I am a learner.  I am curious.  I am strategic.  I am empathetic.  I have tried to use these strengths as often as possible to move into this new life.  The journey will be different for someone with different strengths.  But knowing my strengths and then cultivating them has been very important in the last eighteen months.  A free resource for strengths identification is the VIA Survey of Character Strengths at www.authentichappiness.org.

Physical exercise and activity: When in doubt, take a walk.  That rule of thumb has made my life better many times.

Play: Whenever possible, have fun.  Make it a game.  Use the imagination.  There is no scientific proof that life is serious.  I'm still working on (playing at) this one.  But I'm getting better at it.