Building a Bridge to the Other

Difficult Conversations refers to it as "The Intention Invention."  This is one of the chief roadblocks to having constructive conversations in the midst of conflict.  The authors write:

"The error we make in the realm of intentions is simple but profound: we assume we know the intentions of others when we don't.  Worse still, when we are unsure about someone's intentions, we too often decide they are bad."

For example, it's a busy Sunday morning between worship services.  A parishioner meets her pastor in the hall on the way to the restroom.  The parishioner greets the pastor warmly, but the pastor barely acknowledges the greeting.  The parishioner thinks, "Clearly, he doesn't like me."

The checker at the local big box store is surly and growly.  I come through the line and try to cheer him up with a bright "Good Morning!"  The only response is a gruff "Paper or plastic?"  I walk away thinking to myself that this is a bad person who might function better as a prison guard.

Your spouse is sitting thoughtfully and quietly on the couch.  She frowns and groans a bit.  You think to yourself (especially if you're a male), "Here it comes.  I wonder what I did wrong this time?  I'll bet it was because she had to ask me for the third time to take out the garbage before I did it.  It's going to be a long night..."

In the first case, the pastor had just learned of a sudden and unexpected death in the congregation.  In the second case, checker had just been reprimanded for being too slow and talking too much with customers.  In the third case, the spouse was having some intestinal cramps after a spicy Mexican dinner.

H. L. Mencken wrote, "For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong."  This is especially true in the area of intentions.  

Here's the problem.  The only brain I know from the inside is mine.  My mental model of the world is the only one I know firsthand.  I know how I respond to various inputs, and I approximate the world according to my experiences.  I use my insides to judge other people's outsides.  Difficult Conversations puts it this way: "The truth is, intentions are invisible.  We assume them from other people's behavior.  In other words, we make them up, we invent them."

This creative process leads to a deeper problem.  In psychological terms it's often called the Fundamental Attribution Error.  We explain our own actions in terms of our internal disposition.  Mostly, therefore, we give ourselves a free pass.  We explain the actions of others in terms of external effects.  Mostly, therefore, we criticize the bejeebers out of them.  We use two different standards to evaluate behavior, and we almost always come out feeling right.

We believe we're right because, in essence, we cheat.

One key to having difficult conversations is for each side to renounce this sort of cheating.  That key is to seek an empathic connection with the other--to try to see the situation as much as possible from "inside" the other person's perspective.  Mostly we cannot do that on our own.  In fact, one of the key tools for any mediator or conflict coach is to help to people (or two sides of any kind) to build that bridge of empathy.

Do you need some help in constructing that kind of bridge?