The Shame Shut-down

Difficult Conversations describes three dimensions of a "What Happened" conversation gone wrong:

1. The Truth Assumption.
2. The Intention Invention.
3. The Blame Game.

The Blame Game is how we assign fault to one another rather than acknowledging our own contributions to the problem.  The Blame Game may be great fun and usually produces some short term emotional satisfaction.  It is, however, rarely productive in any real sense.  The authors continue:

"But in situations that give rise to difficult conversations, it is almost always true that what happened is the result of things both people did--or failed to do.  And punishment is rarely relevant or appropriate.  When competent, sensible people do something stupid, the smartest move is to try to figure out, first, what kept them from seeing it coming and, second, how to prevent the problem from happening again."

The authors miss a dimension of this conversation that is critical to both understanding and resolution.  Blame leads to shame.   When we blame another for a problem, we move from problem-solving to person-describing.  And the description is not flattering.  When we blame ourselves for a problem, we engage in all sorts of negative and even destructive self-talk.

The practical outcome of this "blame to shame" dynamic is that communication comes to a screeching halt.

I volunteer periodically as a mediator in Small Claims court.  In the great majority of cases, people have come to court because one or both parties simply stopped communicating.  Letters went unanswered.  Emails were ignored.  Text messages were deleted.  Finally, the county sheriff's office was used as a messenger service to get someone's attention.  Then we sit together in a courtroom and discover that the parties are talking together for the first time in months.

Why does this happen?  I believe that one of the parties has experienced what Brene Brown refers to as a "shame storm."  Shame shuts down our thinking capacity.  Shame closes off our willingness to take emotional risks.  Shame isolates us and makes us hopeless.

And shame gets many people into small claims court.

This creates some expensive issues.  Our local courts spend precious time and money chasing down these cases and often act as the collection agency for local merchants.  Business people spend time in court that could be spent earning a living.  Months go by with no action or response and interest charges accrue.  All of this is because we are often ashamed of our actions and can't find a way forward.

First, if you are having a conflict with someone and the conversation comes to an abrupt halt, change your assumption structure.  The odds are that you are dealing with someone who has been shut down by shame.  You may be dealing with someone who is out to take advantage of you.  But the odds, in my experience, favor the shame explanation.  You may be time and money ahead if you can find some way to reach out to the other party in a less threatening and judgemental way to offer one more chance to talk and work things out.  You can always go to court later if you need to do so.

Second, use a third party to work through the issues.  As a mediator I am still amazed at how simple some of the solutions can be when people talk to one another face to face.  That can be very difficult on your own, but a facilitator or mediator often can make the conversation happen quickly and with much less pain and conflict.

Do you have someone who has shut down and still owes you money or services?  Give me a call!