Handling Emotional Hand Grenades Safely

"Choosing not to deliver a difficult message is like hanging on to a hand grenade once you've pulled the pin."--Difficult Conversations

Of course, the first step in having any difficult conversation is deciding to engage in that conversation.  We can spend enormous amounts of energy, lose prodigious amounts of sleep, and tie ourselves in emotional knots trying to decide whether or not to have such a conversation.

When in doubt, decide to have the conversation with the person in question.  As one of my teachers used to say, "Confrontation stops pain."

But how do you make such a decision?  

Sometimes it is fairly clear that such a conversation has to happen.  Someone is hurting another person.  Someone is in danger of hurting themselves.  A problem exists that is shutting down the office or production or a meeting.  A difficult conversation is going to happen one way or another, so you might as well take charge of the process and initiate it.

That's the easy decision.

Most of the time, however, avoidance is really an option--at least in the short term.  You can duck into another room rather than face the other person.  You can communicate through brief and often tense emails and text messages.  You might even consider transferring to another department, shopping in another part of town or moving to a new neighborhood.

Those steps sometimes seem less painful than the conversation itself.

The majority of us cannot work ourselves up to having such a conversation without first processing it with someone.  Of course, we can seek out someone who will simply ratify our prejudices and work us into an even greater frenzy than before.  Those are allies, and they offer great comfort.  Allies also offer little help, however, unless you really want to feel worse.

It is far more helpful to speak with someone who can lead you to evaluate your position and then communicate in good faith.  This is someone who can hear the tone of your conversation as well as the content.  This is someone who can help you to see and to own your part of the conflict.  This is someone who can help you to acknowledge that responsibility without caving in to the villain status that the other conflictor wants you to adopt.

This is a conflict coach.

Some of us are fortunate enough to have such people among our friends and colleagues.  If so, count yourself one of the lucky ones.

If not, feel free to email me or give me a call.  We'll try to put the pin back in the hand grenade before anyone goes off.