Being There When It's Good

The article is entitled "Will You Be There for Me When Things Go Right?  Supportive Responses to Positive Event Disclosures" (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 2006:91:5).  Gable, Gonzaga and Strachman ran tests based on the process of "capitalization"--the process that occurs when people share a report of a positive event and get a positive and constructive response from a relationship partner.  

They suggest that such positive support in the context of a positive event is more predictive of relationship health and success than the use of what the folks in the biz call "social support."  Social support is a positive and constructive response from one partner to another when something has not gone so well.  "One possible reason that receiving social support may have neutral or detrimental effects," they hypothesize, "is that it may be a signal to the recipient that he or she is unable to cope with the stressor, which can be a blow to self worth and self-esteem" (page 905).  Their proposal is this:

"We suggest that capitalization presents opportunities to build social resources.  That is, when an individual discloses a positive event to his or her partner, and the partner responds in an active-constructive manner, both partners experience positive emotions and the relationship itself becomes stronger.  These relationship resources, such as commitment, satisfaction, intimacy, and love, can be drawn on in the future.  Thus, the context of positive events seems central to relationship health" (page 906).

I'm using this article to follow up on the discussion of the neuroscience of love in A General Theory of Love.  In the margins of this article I wrote a question.  "What happens," I mused, "when that path to habitual self-affirmation and relationship health is suddenly blocked or eliminated?"  The death of a long-time partner would create such a block.  What happens, I think, is that the remaining person goes into a kind of shock in the absence of such regular emotional nurture and nourishment.

I was, as someone in a good and supportive marriage, accustomed to very regular support and encouragement through positive events.  That source dried up in a matter of twelve days.  The feedback I then got was from others in the form of "social support."  Whether people intended to pity me or not, I cannot say.  I did get tired very quickly of the "you poor man" look that I saw in the eyes of those around me.  

These expressions of care and concern--authentic and well-intentioned as they were--had a debilitating effect on me.  They did nothing so much as to remind me that I was damaged, weak, lonely and a failure.  Again, I am not attributing intention, motive or even conscious process to anyone in this regard.  The people who longed to help me offered their social support out of deep love and concern.  It was not, however, the kind of help that helped.  The study I am describing, and others like it, provide reasons for why that help did not help.

Why does the sharing and feedback around a positive event help so much more?  The authors offer the following summary.

"That is, compared with sharing a problem, fewer risks are involved in sharing a recent good event.  The benefits of a partner's active and constructive response could be garnered without the costs to self-worth inherent in seeking out help for a recent problem or stressor..." (page 914).

This explains, for example, why giving help is so important in preparing us to receive help.  When I can reach out to another bereaved person and offer something from my experience, reflection, study and personal practices--and when that help actually helps--and when I get positive feedback from the helping--I am strengthened for my own journey.  This is true in marriage, friendship and even in the context of mere acquaintance.

The conundrum there is that someone needs to be in need of some help.  But when we are in the same place of distress, I think it is not so debilitating to acknowledge my own needs.  When the helping is mutual, I suspect that the self-worth issues are greatly reduced.  Perhaps the New Testament is exceedingly wise in emphasizing that a healthy marriage involves mutual service one to the other.

So one take away from this article has to do with ways we might help one another in our distress.  Can we find contexts in which we can live out of our strengths rather than our deficits?  Can we find contexts where we can use those strengths to offer support and then receive it in return?  Can we find ways to connect in our mutual need and share our mutual experience, strength and hope with one another?