My Partner on the Path

Another source of encouragement for me over the last year has been the body of inspiration and insight that flows from the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I am privileged to walk with my spouse, Brenda, on that journey of "experience, strength and hope."  She has given me permission to share this information with my readers.  I am a spectator in the AA community, not a member.  But the wisdom of the Big Book of AA, the support of the Fellowship, and the spiritual practices of that community have led me in the way of healing like no formal bereavement resource or process might.

Today I read in Courage to Change about the difference between humility and humiliation.  That distinction allows me to pursue the discussion of male shame and bereavement a bit further.  When many of us think about humility, we really imagine being humiliated--shamed about our identity, behavior and worth as persons.  "Real humility," the meditation suggests, "does not mean begging for mercy.  Real humility...is the ability to see my true relationship to God and to my fellow human beings" (page 161).

Real humility means that I am honest with myself about myself.  Real humility means that I am open to learning more about life on life's terms.  Real humility means that I am willing to surrender control without resigning to despair.  Humiliation is debilitating and destructive.  Humility is growth-producing and life-giving.  And real humility is indispensable, I believe, to the process of recovering from bereavement.

"Humility" is, of course, related to "humus."  It truly is about being grounded in the most fundamental sense.  On the one hand, I can view my shortcomings with a clear eye toward asking God to remove those shortcomings.  On the other hand, I can appreciate my gifts and strengths for what they are as coming from God for my good and for the good of the world around me.  As today's meditation notes, those shortcomings are blocks to growth which can be removed if I am willing.  Those gifts and strengths are tools for growing into the person God intends me to be.

Every day I read AA and Al-Anon literature, devotions and meditations as part of my "program."  I have found the wisdom of the steps and the Fellowship to be sources of invaluable insight, strength and most of all hope in this journey.

So I thank God each and every day not only for those resources, but much more for my partner, my teacher, my lover and my friend on this journey--my beloved spouse, Brenda.  I need you to know that without her, I cannot imagine ever getting to the place where I could share any of my own experience, strength and hope with you.