Surrender to the Paradox

"Many who volunteer for our studies make the point that they tried to read up on bereavement.  They quickly add, however, that they couldn't seem to find anything in their reading that matched their own experience.  They often tell us, in fact, that they wanted to participate in our research just to have the chance to show the so-called experts what grief looks like from the inside."--(George A. Bonnano, The Other Side of Sadness:What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss, page 4).

After nineteen months, here are things I think.  Who knows how this will look at thirty-six months or ten years or more (God willing)?

• Mostly I have returned to my state of being prior to loss, but the small changes are remarkably significant.
• My psychological "set point" does seem lower but I have many, many more resources for raising my affect on any given day.
• Walking with communities of twelve-step groups has provided more resources than any other self-help information or group.
• I am both more resilient and more vulnerable to the challenges of life, both large and small, than I was prior to loss.  And I can be both more resilient and more vulnerable at the same moment, facing the same issue. 
• I am happier now than I have ever been.  And I have moments of crushing sadness and despair (but they don't seem to last all that long unless I choose to make them last longer).
• I am engaged more deeply in life with other people than ever before.
• I am less engaged with more public and institutional realities than I was before--news, politics, organized church, organized sports, television.
• I am in better shape physically than at any time since high school.
• I am more confident in striking out in new life directions and more terrified of taking such steps than at any time since my senior year in college.
• I know more about bereavement, hope, resilience, relationships, recovery, renewal and Resurrection than I have ever known before.  And some days I need every bit of that information and experience to keep my head up and my eyes dry.

Life is paradoxical in ways that I never before experienced.  I wish every day that Anne had not died.  And I thank God every day for the life and love I now have with my beloved Brenda.  Both are true at precisely the same moment.  One secret is to surrender to the paradox rather than resisting it.