The Pathways to Somewhere--II

In the previous post, I left off with the discussion of different coping methods--those focused on problem-solving and those focused on emotional resolution and management.  Some of the difference is a function of gender.  

Some of the difference relates as well to the nature of the adverse event.  Lyubomirski suggests that “people are more likely to use problem-focused coping when they believe that something constructive can be done about their situation and to use emotion-focused coping when they think that the negative event is something that simply must be endured” (The How of Happiness, page 152).  That certainly fits my experience as well.  I could use problem-solving strategies to deal with day to day issues of managing my new life.  In managing the reality of a permanent, painful and involuntary revolution in my existence, problem-solving was of little use.

So I have learned to trust my gut feelings much more.  On the other hand, I find that I am far more thin-skinned than I was before.  I imagine this is why I am more aware of those instincts and gut feelings.  The layers of defense, denial and distancing that made me such a “thinker” in the past have to some degree been stripped away.  

I don’t stand up as well to the emotional pounding that is part of all our lives and is especially a part of the life of a public leader.  People are no better or worse in how they treat me than they were before Anne died.  How I have changed (and grown) as a person in the months after that loss have certainly altered how I can respond to people.  More than that, my experiences have changed how I want to respond to people.

I would make several observations about the pathways on Carver’s chart.  These four paths are not easy to separate from one another.  I don’t believe I have “succumbed” to my adverse experiences in any real sense.  If I had to pick a path to describe my life now, I would certainly choose “thriving.”  

There are elements of my life, however, that will never be the same.  I will never again be able, for example, to really take long-term plans seriously.  Make all the plans you wish.  If your spouse goes septic with a staph infection, all those plans will quickly find their way to the trash barrel.  Thus when someone asks me about my “career plans” or “life goals” I have trouble even understanding the question.  I’m not desperate or unhappy in that regard.  I think I have a realistic sense of life now that resists the death denial implicit in most conversations about future goals.

It seems to me that the other three paths are not entirely distinguishable.  Instead, they may be progressive steps to the future.  It is, after all, impossible to recover without first surviving.  It is, in addition, impossible to thrive with first experiencing some measure of recovery.  For some of us, survival may be as far as we can go.  For many of us, recovery is the completion of the process.  In survival and recovery, many people find long-term happiness and satisfaction.  In my experience, however, there has been more.

Sonja Lyubomirsky asks, “Can a response to trauma be seen as ‘transformation’?”  She answers the question:

“The available data says yes.  When a trauma or challenge is profound, unsettling a person’s foundations and forcing him to confront his personal priorities, sense of meaning, and identity, a subset of individuals report personal growth, strengthening, and even thriving” (The How of Happiness, page 158).

This is a description of my experience—both of the trauma and of the pathways I have been given to respond.  Lyubomirsky uses a New Testament verse as the superscription to her chapter entitled “Managing Stress, Hardship and Trauma.”  She selectively quotes the Apostle Paul in Romans five, verses three through five.  Here is the entire passage (NRSV):  

“And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.”  

That is the framework—at least within the Christian tradition—for thriving in the aftermath of adverse events.