About Bullies...Again and Again

Whether it is on the playground, in the workplace or at church, bullying continues to be a major social issue in this culture.  Bullying is the systematic and repeated use of verbal, emotional, electronic, financial, spiritual and/or physical intimidation and coercion to control another person or group.

The bully gets an emotional high from the repeated experience of power over another.  In a culture where slavery is no longer permitted, bullying threatens to become the new drug of choice for those who desire to soothe their anxieties at the expense of others.

In spite of the stereotypes, bullies do not fit a particular physical or gender profile.  I have seen the most bullying come from individuals who feel threatened and anxious themselves.  This anxiety may be due to small physical stature, a sense of powerlessness due to status, health or education, or due to a sense of political powerlessness within a system.

Bullies are self-centered and mean-spirited.  They do not suffer from a lack of self-esteem, in spite of the above description.  In fact, they are narcissists and thus suffer from an over-abundance of self-esteem.  Bullies take pleasure from making their targets suffer.  They make the people around them worse.  They are leaders, but they lead in directions that suck the life out of the world.

How can a system or a person respond to a bully?  The traditional counsel of "ignore them and they will evaporate from lack of attention"--that advice is completely wrong-headed.  Such treatment will spur these narcissists on to garner greater attention and to act out even more.

Healthy communities confront bullies.  The leaders of such communities consistently identify the destructive behavior, name it as bullying, and outline real consequences for future bullying.  If the behavior continues, the only effective response is some kind of sequestering of the bully from the community.  That may be a social walling off of the bully, or it may be some sort of administrative fix, such as formal removal from an organization.

This strikes many Christians as inherently wrong and unloving.  We dare not, however, privilege the bully above the health of the community.  In Matthew 18, Jesus notes that we may need to treat such a one as a tax collector and a sinner.  Behavior that exploits members of the community cannot be tolerated in the long run.

If it is tolerated, the community becomes one of the perpetrators.

Sometimes, people do change.  Jesus holds out that possibility in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18:23ff.  That change is very difficult, since it requires a change of worldview.  But we can hold out that possibility to those who would otherwise destroy our communities.  

Again, Christians struggle with this.  However, hesitating to require bullies to change simply leaves them in their sin.  There is nothing loving about that.

Do you need help in dealing with a bully?