Forgiveness and Mediation

Does forgiveness have any role in mediation and other alternative dispute resolution conversations?  I have wrestled with that question for two decades.

I am certain the answer is "Yes."  The real question is, "How does that work?"

It worth remembering what forgiveness is not:

• It is not denying that a wrong has occurred.  To forgive is first of all to accuse.  It is not mere tolerance of bad behavior.
• It is not minimizing the impact of the offense.  To quote N. T. Wright--"Forgiveness doesn't mean 'I didn't really mind,' or 'it didn't really matter.'  I did mind and it did matter; otherwise there wouldn't be anything to forgive at all."
• It is not a denial of feelings but a choice in how I respond to those feelings.
• It does not depend on the power of the wrongdoer to repent.  Otherwise the wrongdoer remains in charge of the process.
• It is not the same as pardon or reconciliation.  Those changes may come later or not.
• It is not forgetting the offense, for that would be unwise.

More important, we need to remember what forgiveness is.  

Forgiving is a "letting go" in order to go on.  It is choosing to renounce and remove something rather than deciding to add something to our emotional cupboard.  It is choosing to stop remembering the wound that was caused.  Miroslav Volf says, "A remembered wound is an experienced wound."

Most important, we need to remember that forgiving and being forgiven travel the same emotional and neurological pathways.  

This is, perhaps, where forgiving and being forgiven have the most impact in conflict resolution.  Living and breathing offenses will block communication between parties more effectively than anything else.  Until the pain, resentment and desire for vengeance can be at least laid aside, very little real connection can take place.

The role of forgiveness in mediation is intimately related to the two dynamics described in The Promise of Mediation.  Forgiving and being forgiven are inherently powerful actions and experiences. These realities open the way then to real recognition of the other party as another person.  That recognition fuels compassion and commitment.  The empowerment/recognition spiral escalates in a positive direction.

Of course, this dynamic is often preceded by some real heat in the conversation.  To forgive is to accuse.  To repent is to acknowledge things about myself that aren't very pretty.  This is hard, hard work that often can only be done in the safety of a mediated conversation.  Otherwise the hurt may be deepened rather than released.  The offender may do more damage, and the victim may suffer more.  So it is good work that must be done carefully.

Where will forgiving and being forgiven make a difference in your day?  Could you use some help in making it all happen?

Check out this link for my book, Forgiveness: The Road Home.