What is Conflict?

When I have worked with churches, the most difficult issue is often the first one.  Do we have a conflict here?  Church people will do almost anything to avoid such an admission.  We have a disagreement.  We have a misunderstanding.  We have a lack of communication.  We have a difference of opinion.  We have a group of troublemakers.

But, please dear God, don't let us have a conflict!  After all, we are such nice, loving people.

Since the possibility of conflict is denied outright, difficult conversations and relationships in the church fester until there is blood in the pews and a crisis in the checkbook.  Then we might, repeat might, have a conflict.  And by then, it is too late.  Most interventions at such a point will be ineffective at best.

So let's define conflict in a way that is more constructive.  Don't think about fights and feuds.  Conflict happens long before the Hatfields and McCoys begin shooting.

What is conflict?  

Stuck...in the mud and between solutions

Conflict is any interaction that:

• Reduces personal or group engagement in a relationship, community or organization.
• Increases the separation between connected people or groups.
• Produces a downward spiral of disengagement, disconnection, more disengagement and more disconnection.

This means that conflict is a constant and consistent feature of any and all human interactions.  If we think that conflict is bad, then we have a low opinion of human interaction and community in general.  If we have a high opinion of human interaction and community, then we need to embrace conflict as an opportunity for growth and development.

This is the perspective of Conflict Transformation.  Conflict Transformation increases engagement and connection in relationships, communities and organizations.  Conflict Transformation is not the mere suppression of conflict but rather the building of deeper involvement and broader attachment in a relationship, community or organization.

What are the marks of Conflict Transformation?

• Viewing conflict as an opportunity for growth rather than a problem to be managed or a threat to be suppressed.
• Increasing individual and group experience of the capacity to make decisions and handle problems constructively (engagement).
• Increasing individual and group experience of empathy for any partners in the conflict interaction (connection).
• Fostering an upward spiral of engagement, connection, more engagement and more connection.

Many times we cannot work our way through conflict without the help of someone from outside the difficult conversation.  That outside, mediative influence is a conflict coach.  What does a Conflict Transformation coach do?

• Creates a safe space for moves toward greater engagement and greater connection.
• Encourages greater competence and capacity in making decisions
• Finds openings to build or rebuild genuine understanding and appreciation between the conflicting parties.

     Do you have conflict that is creating disengagement and separation?  Give me a call or send me an email!