Highway Mediation

I picked up a hitchhiker along I-80 West the other day.  I could only get him a few miles closer to his destination, but it was a trip as rich in conversation as it was short in distance.

My new friend was Basil, a young man from England, trying to make his way to San Francisco.  He talked about the differences in states when it comes to the hitchhiking experience.  He spoke well of the people and law enforcement officers of Nebraska--friendly and helpful folks, at least when compared to some other jurisdictions.

Basil asked me what I do for a living.  I told him that I am a "Freelance Professional Problem Solver." He looked at me a bit sideways, perhaps wondering if he needed to revise his estimate of Nebraskans based on some new data.  I then explained that I work as a pastor, mediator, coach, consultant, counselor, etc., etc., etc.

"How do you get two people to come to some sort of an understanding when they disagree?" he asked.  Yes, that is the question, my friend.  How, indeed?

I talked about the need for parties to distinguish their positions from their interests.  This is the most basic of mediation principles.  And it is a foreign concept to most people.  We defend positions.  We seek to satisfy interests.  Positions always divide the parties.  Interests can often bring them together.  Ex-spouses may have positions about levels of financial child support.  They each, generally, have an interest in promoting the welfare of their children.  When they move from positions to interests, the conversation progresses and the children have better lives.

The move from positions to interests can then open the next door.  This next piece is the most critical element, as far as I can tell--the building of a bridge of empathy between the parties.  If each party can begin to see life a bit through the eyes of the other party, then we have a real chance of moving forward.  Then we have a real chance of getting an agreement that is equitable and will be carried out.  When two small claims contestants begin to see one another as people and not merely as opponents, for example, the chances are that we will achieve something useful.

Basil took it all in.  "I'll remember that bit about positions and interests," he said.  

Then we talked about our church experiences.  He grew up Quaker.  I shared that I am a Lutheran and that I was working at a confirmation camp for the week.  We found a similar interest in following Jesus often in spite of the church rather than because of it.  We met empathically in our struggles with the regular hypocrisy in ourselves and others.  We hoped together for more from the people who follow Jesus.

Then it was time to turn off.  He crawled out of the truck and grabbed his rucksack.  He nearly forget his hand-lettered cardboard sign that said, "I-80 W."  That would have been an interesting souvenir of my trip!

It was twelve minutes of mediated friendship.  I wish you well on your trip, Basil.  I envy you all the new information and insight, the connections and conversations that comprise your adventure.  Most of all, I pray that God blesses others through you as God blessed me.

Dear reader, if you pick up Basil along the way, send him my greetings and prayers.