Misery Measuring

One of the roadblocks in working with conflicted parties is "misery measuring."  My suffering is far, far worse than yours.  Therefore I deserve greater compassion and better treatment.  Quite often, the argument goes, I also deserve more parenting time or full custody or increased financial support as compensation for my greater level of suffering.

There is often a disparity in the pain and anxiety that the parties have suffered.  Sometimes this can be demonstrated in terms of loss living standard and household income.  When that is the case, courts can address the issue.

Comparing our suffering, however, is generally a counterproductive activity.  In my times of grief, I have often been crabby and judgmental as other people tried to understand and appreciate my experience.  "Oh," they say, "that's like..." and then they launch into some experience of personal suffering, loss or grief.

Sometimes I just wanted to slap them.  I'm glad I didn't.  They were just doing what they could.

Here's what I've learned.

On one hand, no suffering, loss or grief is "like" any other.  Every experience of suffering, loss or grief is unique and individual.  We can only experience our stuff from the inside.  Everyone else experiences our stuff from the outside.  We each have our own histories, our own tolerances for pain, our own perspectives on what is right, just and fair in this life.  How someone else might come at my experience is by and large irrelevant to me.

On the other hand, lots of other people have suffered as I have.  Many have suffered things that are, in objective and observable terms, far worse than the things I have suffered.  I have not been tortured or watched my loved ones suffer at the hands of others.  I have not starved and been homeless.  I have not been raped or abused.  I have not lived in a war zone or suffered through a natural disaster.  I have not even begun to explore the full depth and range of human suffering.

When comparing, direction is the key.  We tend to compare "up"--whether in assessing our wealth and status or our pain and suffering.  My neighbor is better off than I am.  My would-be comforters still have their spouses, children, parents, etc.  I compare myself to those who have more or who have not lost as much, and I always suffer by comparison.  What I then experience is resentment rooted in envy.

It is healthier and more realistic to compare "down."  I am so grateful to have what I do have.  So many people have much more difficult lives than I do.  Yes, I have known some suffering, loss and grief.  But I am so fortunate and blessed to have the people in my life that I do.  I am truly grateful for health and life, for home and family, for friends and work.  I have gotten a glimpse of what real loss is like.  I pray for those who deal with such losses every day.  I choose empathy over envy.

You can't get a new past.  Suffering is pain plus resistance.  I cannot re-write history, no matter how much I would like to do so sometimes.  But I can continue to write a new future with hope.  For example, I so admire my young friends who suffered through the death of their first child.  It was excruciating, because they knew almost from the beginning what would happen.  They did their best to live every moment to the fullest while they could.  They grieved deeply and well when they needed to do so.  

Now, because they are once again ready, they are deliriously happy adoptive parents.  They accepted their past loss, embraced the pain as it happened, and then sought to live life on life's terms.  They are some of the finest and bravest people I know.

Psychologists remind us that rumination is not the same as remembering.  Remembering allows the past loss to be in the past and to inform the present.  Rumination keeps a past loss present all the time.  Remembering produces gratitude and joy.  Rumination produces more pain and deeper suffering.  

Comparing our losses is a form of rumination.  Rumination is resistance as a negative feedback loop.  It helps no one.  It makes my pain worse and decreases the empathy and compassion of those around me for me.  The misery metrics increase self-absorption and decrease social support.  This is true in loss and grief.  This is true in broken relationships.  This is true in organizational and church conflicts.

As an aside, this is why I love being a mediative influence--a freelance professional problem-solver.  The processes that inform my work are essentially forward-looking.  The key is hope.  Happy and productive people integrate their losses into their lives.  They abandon misery measuring.  They seek to build a future with hope.

Let go of misery measuring and embrace the life you have now!