An Upward Spiral

One of the basic principles of transformative mediation is, "Empowerment precedes recognition."  Let's try this in reverse for a fuller appreciation of what this means.

Think about the responses that diminish you, that shut you down in a conversation.  Criticism, blame, ridicule, shame, contempt--there are various degrees of these responses.  What they have in common is that they render me weaker than I was.

When I feel weaker, I pull in.  I shut the windows, bar the doors, pull up the drawbridge.  I refuse to extend myself any further.  I take no more risks.  I am unwilling to learn anything new.  If I get this sort of feedback often enough, it becomes a habit.  I cease to be open to the external world.  I stop growing and lose my capacity for loving and relating.

So dis-empowerment impedes recognition.  Recognition is the experience of connecting to another human being at an authentic intellectual, emotional and spiritual level.  The  opposite of recognition is separateness--the defensiveness that seems to mark so much of our social life these days.

A mediation in progress!

I see this often in my mediation practice.  One party blames or criticizes the other for some problem.  Interaction immediately grinds to a halt.  Neither party makes eye contact--with each other or with me.  Lips tremble.  Cheeks quiver.  There's lots of staring at hands and feet.  Any suggestions at this point are pretty much useless.

This is one of those times when I plead a full bladder and call for a potty break.

That may seem silly, but it is so important to interrupt the momentum of the developing downward spiral.  Dis-empowerment leads to disconnection.  That separateness leads to further dis-empowerment which leads to still further disconnection.  If the spiral continues, the mediation is quickly over.  Another case is headed toward a highly adversarial battle in front of the judge.

A break interrupts the flow and allows the parties to collect themselves.  That in itself is an experience of competence and thus of empowerment.  People can figure out how to soothe themselves--another experience of empowerment.  Often a small break in the momentum can completely reverse the momentum.

As we re-gather, I can review the progress so far.  I can summarize the expressions and feelings of the previous exchange and affirm the honesty and courage of the participants.  That reframing resets the direction of the conversation and can head us back into the positive spiral of empowerment and recognition.  Many times these refocusing breaks can result in apologies for outbursts, expressions of understanding, and even acknowledgements of new insight.

It's not that the heated moments are bad in and of themselves.  In fact, those moments--properly timed and managed--are often the most productive points in the process.  The goal is not to suppress or even to contain conflict.  The goal is to make the conflict productive in the moment and to empower the participants with new skills and experiences for the long run.

Your thoughts about this topic?