"I have never felt so betrayed in all my life! After all I've done for (you can fill in the name here)! I've listened to him/her for hours on end. I've traveled and talked and tolerated all sorts of whining and self-pity. I have defended her/him to detractors. I have taken time away from work and family and fun for him/her. I have lost sleep and poured myself into her/him.
And now...now...now...after all that, he/she has the nerve to attack me/criticize me/gossip about me/abandon me (this is a multiple choice exercise--select all that apply). I'm not sure I'll ever trust anyone again!"
I have had that conversation with myself on numerous occasions (although not right at this moment). I have heard that rant from others on equally as many occasions. This is the deeply painful experience of betrayal. And we highly sensitive introverts are of all people the most vulnerable to such assaults. We make all sorts of internal investments in the people we serve. And then we expect that everyone will know just how much we give of ourselves. AND we then expect that no one will ever take advantage of that personal investment.
After all, these people owe us, right?
Wrong! Of course, we grown-ups know how this works. And yet, we highly sensitive introverts still have the nerve to be mortally offended when it happens. How do I talk myself out of the pain, depression, shame and rage that come with this overly-developed sense of personal betrayal?
1. I have to remind myself over and over and over that the power of human sin has not been erased as of yet from the universe. "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that is taking place among you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you" (1 Peter 4:12). I haven't yet been freed from that power, and I shouldn't expect that anyone else will get it right all the time either.
2. The people most likely to need my support and care are also the ones most likely to disappoint me (and themselves). Otherwise they probably wouldn't need the help and support I might be able to offer. Those we invest in most deeply are precisely the ones who most often will leave us feeling abandoned and ashamed. Preparation for that possibility can lessen the impact.
3. I need to remember that this isn't about me. So much easier said than done, of course. I am, after all, the center of the universe, right? (see #1 if you need a refresher on this perspective). People make the best decisions they can at any given time. Otherwise they would make other decisions. That doesn't mean we always make good decisions. That's a different conversation. But people usually do things that make sense to them at that moment. I may think that I am the victim of a terrible injustice. But the person who has hurt me likely believes that the action made perfect sense, and that anyone in her/his position would do the same thing.
4. So I strive to avoid the Fundamental Attribution Error. I try not to evaluate people's external behavior in terms of the impact on me internally. I can describe the behavior, but I have a much harder time ascribing motives and intentions--at least with any accuracy. Others really are not bit players in my drama. They are following their own scripts and are usually trying to do the best they can.
5. Life is like boxing. Defend yourself at all times. Don't expect others to be wonderful simply because you demand it. At the same time, I need always to find ways to let others in to my heart and spirit and mind. Otherwise I simply become an island of isolation. "And a rock feels no pain...and an island never cries" (Simon and Garfunkel reference--no extra charge).
We highly sensitive introverts have to adjust to this. The majority of people are far more thick-skinned than we are. That's not better or worse. It's no different, as I've noted before, than being a left-hander in a right-handed world. I can pout and protest. Or I can develop better skills and resiliency in order to interact. At my best, I choose the latter.
If only I were always at my best...
I can relate...been there done that!
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