Dealing with Bullies

In this part of the country, primary and secondary schools re-open in a week or so.  I remember those days leading up the beginning of a new school year.  I loved school, and I will always love being a student.  So I was excited and energized as I looked forward to getting back in the classroom.

And I was terrified.

School meant another year of riding the bus for an hour each way.  This meant two hours per day of potential bullying.  I was often subjected to verbal abuse, "titty-twisters," getting punched in the groin and being made to feel useless and worthless.  I was sure that no one at home wanted to hear about this, so I kept it to myself and prayed for the day when I could drive myself to school and back.

It was a wonderful motivator to earn and save money for that first car!

So, perhaps we can think together a bit about the psychology of bullying--at school, in the workplace, and at church.

Many times I was told that bullies are people with low self-esteem who build themselves up by making other people feel smaller.  In fact, that is not for the most part the case.  Most bullies appear to be quite narcissistic and suffer from too much self-esteem rather than too little.  Most bullies live as if they are the center of the universe--the only real humans in their life dramas.  Everyone else is really just a means to their ends.

This doesn't mean that bullies are without their emotional issues.  Bullies are driven intensely by shame.  This is a different issue from lack of self-esteem.  Bullies have been told that they aren't good enough, and they rebel against this notion by proving that they control the universe.

Researchers find that bullies are born as much as they are made.  Children who engage in bullying behavior often have parents who engage in similar kinds of behaviors.  We can debate the genetics of this reality.  We can discuss the nurture dimensions.  Just know, as one wise person has said, that "dogs don't have cats."

I was often told that if I just ignored the bully, he would get tired of the game and go away.  That was not at all true.  Bullies take such treatment as a further challenge to their inflated sense of self.  Ignoring a bully is an effective way to generate even more negative attention.  "You WILL acknowledge that I am powerful and important.  If you don't, I will make you pay."

Now, bullying is not the normal rough and tumble of the playground.  Children are quite adept at hurting each other and then moving on.  Bullying is a systematic and repeated pattern of intimidation and manipulation designed to enhance the pleasure of the bully.  So bullying requires a systematic and repeated response from the community.  

• Those in authority need to respond by challenging the bullying behavior publicly.  
• The community needs to isolate the bully when possible from those who are being abused.  
• Those who are not victims need to stop feeling relieved that they have been spared and to start being indignant that anyone should be treated in such a way.

Bullying cannot be ignored away.  It cannot be wished away.  It cannot be "niced" away.  This behavior must be confronted and counteracted--whether in the home, the school, the workplace or the church.

More to come...