Save the Masks for Halloween

"I'm a mediator.  I work to help people bridge their conflicts and build hope for the future."

My listener smiles indulgently.  "Isn't that wonderful!  I'm sure that is a valuable service for those people who have conflicts.  Of course, we don't have conflicts in our relationship."  The smile is now accompanied by rapid eye-blinking--a sure sign of (self) deception.

I sigh and walk away sad once again.

Most of what people describe as conflict management is actually conflict suppression.  I frequently work with people who make it clear that conflict doesn't happen in their work or marriage or church or club.  What they don't acknowledge is that conflict doesn't happen because conflict will simply not be permitted.  They model their interactions on this classic scene from the movie, Cool Hand Luke:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fuDDqU6n4o

People are willing to have failures of communication.  People can admit to disagreements.  People can have differences of opinion.  But they never have conflicts.  Ever.  End of discussion.

How does that actually work out?  When conflict is suppressed, the person or party with the most power dictates the conversation.  The result may not be the kind of violence evidenced in the movie clip.  But there will be violence nonetheless.  The party with less power may surrender and acquiesce. More likely, the party with less power will find subtle ways to resist passively.  When that happens, there will be more violence.

A supervisor insists that all the staff members are happy and productive.  There is never conflict or dissatisfaction.  "We always talk everything out and come to an understanding," she says.  I hope that is the case, but I am pretty sure it is not.  Human critters are not wired that way.  If we have relationships, we will--repeat, will--have conflicts.  The only variable is in how we deal with them.

If the employees hear the message, as they certainly will, that conflict is not to be permitted, then that is how they will act.  They will suppress their frustrations and anger.  They will go around the supervisor to get their needs met.  They will spend time and energy enacting the conflict even though they cannot discuss it.  Some will move, quietly, to other work.  Some will play games at their desk rather than do their jobs.  Conflict will go underground, but it will not go away.

This understanding highlights the difference between transactional and transformational mediation.  The goal of mediation as transaction is an agreement.  The purpose of that agreement is, by and large, to make the current conflict go away.  

That is well and good, perhaps, for parties who will never interact again.  In most cases, however, the parties will remain connected in some way.  Will that connection be painful or productive in the future? Transformational mediation seeks to build capacity for acknowledging and embracing conflict both now and in the future.  The question is not whether we have conflicts.  We do.  The question is whether we can make conflict productive--whether it can be an opportunity for deepened relationships, closer connections and fuller understanding.

I am committed to mask-removal.  Conflict suppression that masquerades as conflict management is more destructive than the conflict itself.  Let's save the masks for Halloween.