Taking the High Road

It's a mantra in the parenting class I teach.  "In the long run, the high road is always the best road." Parents nod their heads in agreement.  Then one of the honest souls says, "Yes, that's true.  But it's awfully hard when the other parent has just told your kids that you are a no-good, deadbeat who doesn't love them and who never wanted them.  How can I keep from setting them straight on this?"

I have not experienced this personally, although I have been the subject of more than a few attempted character assassinations.  How, indeed, do we keep from responding in kind to such deliberate broadsides?

One of the real marks of healthy resiliency, as Ori Brafman notes, is maintaining the locus of control (what he calls the internal limelight).  He urges that instead of putting the spotlight on how another has wronged us, we can examine our own responsibility in the situation.  "This doesn't mean that we should absolve others from responsibility," he quickly adds.  "It simply means that no matter what happens, in the end the only person we have full control over is ourselves." (Succeeding When You're Supposed to Fail, page 57).

This isn't, however, merely the council of despair.  In fact, maintaining that sense of agency is one of the ways to be healthy and hopeful.  After all, why should I allow the behavior of another person to dictate how I act?  If I am in charge of myself, I have choices about how I will respond (see my previous post).

In fact, taking the high road is one of the ways to maintain a full sense of personal agency in a difficult situation.  Any fool can let the barbs of the opponent push him into a corner.  That is, in fact, often the goal of such poisonous remarks--to goad someone into a response that will result in bad behavior.

This is, of course, just one long truism.  But that doesn't make it any less true.  No one can make me do anything.  Period.  End of conversation.  I choose my actions, and I am responsible for what I think, do and say.  Feelings may overwhelm me like a flood.  But I can still decide whether to go along for the ride or to swim against the tide.

Healthy and resilient people opt for swimming.

How can I do this?  One way is to become your own consultant or coach.  How would you advise someone else in your situation?  We mediators call it a form of "going to the balcony."  Step back and observe your situation from a third person perspective.  If you were supporting a friend through this difficult time, what counsel would you give?  After a few moments of such reflection, you will certainly come up with a better answer than simply responding in kind.

When we make such choices, we do better in our lives.  For parents in difficult situations this is critical.  Children are emotional sponges.  How we manage ourselves will have a direct impact on how they cope.  Parents (and others) who are able to maintain their agency will feel better and do better.

The high road is always the best way to go.